Crisis at the Border
(Farcical News Service)
©2012 Kirby Sanders
Immigration officials on both sides of the Mexico border are reporting a crisis in migration.
“We can’t control the flow,” said one American Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) officer in Del Rio TX. “I’ve got a parking lot full of old pick-ups with Confederate flags and ‘Impeach Obama’ bumper stickers and gun racks waiting to process out”.
An officer on the Mexico side in Ciudad Acuna concurred . “We ask them ‘what is your purpose in Mexico’ and they reply ‘turismo’ — but everything they own is in the bed of their truck!”
The American INS official added “They are tearing down the border fences to get into Mexico!”
Correspondents attempted to get comment from various known border vigilantes in Arizona – but they had all moved to Mexico.
“Rodrigo” a spokesman for Zeta Recreational Pharmaceuticals in Calexico CA noted that the rush of migrants has been a mixed blessing for them. “We have temporarily suspended product shipments out of Mexico because the transit corridors are all gridlocked. Our trucks and mules cannot get product out because of the traffic gridlock. We are, however, seeing increased profits from our Coyotes Division escorting clients out of the U.S. and into Mexico.”
Rodrigo also noted that Zeta has reached a mutual understanding with the Tijuana Cartel and the United States Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) to deal with the current crisis. “We had a conference call with San Diego offices earlier today. We have all agreed to cooperate. None of our businesses can prosper until this transit problem straightens out,” he said.
A spokesman for the DEA in San Diego noted “This is definitely bad for business. If Zeta and Tijuana are not exporting product, my guys have to just sit around the office doing paperwork — and we don’t like leaving paper trails. The coyotes are out of our jurisdiction.”
Betty Lou Thelma Liz Jones, a customer at an all-night convenience store in Muskogee OK, had a unique take on the situation. “Wow! They aren’t making Twinkies anymore and all the crackers are self-deporting. What am I gonna do when I get the munchies?”
Officials in Mexico near the Big Bend area of Texas are also concerned. “We are being flooded with these Gringo ‘wet-ankles’,” said one. “We call them ‘wet-ankles’ because the Rio Grande is so shallow in this area that no one gets a wet back when crossing. Just ankles.”
Canadian officials indicate a unique approach to alleviating the problem on the northern border. The Press Attache’ for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police noted “We have seen a swarm at our border. But we just tell them we have socialized medicine. They utter some expletives, turn around and head back south.”
Costa Rica and Belize have announced that they may deny landing rights to airlines originating in the United States. “We are a small but beautiful country,” explained one Costa Rican official. “We don’t want it to look like New York City and sound like Mississippi”.
Brazilian officials have been more open-minded. “These Americans are welcomed in Brazil – if they will learn Portuguese and assimilate into our culture.”