Category Archives: Humor

Flight of the Felis Familiaris

The Flight of the Felis Familiarius

©2013, Kirby Sanders.

Have you ever noticed that there are never any cats on the bridge aboard ship in outer space movies? There’s a reason!

The Evil Alliance is pursuing and attacking our underdog heroes! The valiant Capitan Weit Leche Carton shouts “Get us out of here, helmsman — Burp Six!!!”

Helmsman Mr. Yohoo replies “Working on it, sir. Dammit cat, get off the control panel!”

Capitan continues “Ready weapons! I want plastic torpedos in tubes one and two. Fire on my mark in five, four, three …

Weapons officer – “Direct hit, sir! They are breaking off! We have disabled their nacelle cavity!”

Capitan Weit Leche Carton — “But … I didn’t say ‘fire.”’

Weapons officer: “Damned cat!”.

Capitan Carton – “Security! Mr. Dork! I want that cat off my bridge! Now!”

Mr. Dork, a hulking alien warrior looking dude who is oddly alluring in a Mandingo sort of way, approaches the Weapons Control panel. Cat leaps from control panel and runs across the room – hides under a console at the far wall. Mr. Dork pursues. Cat hisses from behind the panel as Mr. Dork attempts to get his arm into the small space.

Capitan Carton – “Mr. Dork! Status report?” I want that cat off my bridge!”

Mr. Dork – “I can’t reach him, sir. He is back behind the recalcitrance rectifier and the inanimate object.”

Capitan Carton – “Communications! Ms. OhHerWho! Get Commander Dada up here to retrieve his damned cat. Ensign YooHoo – assist Mr. Dork.”

Helmsman Mr. Yoohoo – “Not a good time sir. We seem to be taking a Delta Fawcett evasive maneuver pattern. I can’t control it, sir. I believe the cat has interfered with the inanimate object controls!!!”

Capitan Carton – “Stand your ground Mr. YooHoo. I didn’t order evasive maneuvers! Delta Fawcett? Which one is that?”

Mr.YooHoo – “It’s the pinwheel like nutcakes, I think we’re going to crash into the nearest moon ruse. The Kubiashi Moron maneuver developed by Capitan Quirk in the Grapes of Wrath of Cahn.”

Capitan Carton – “Ah yes, Cahn. The depraved guy from the studio exec’s office attempts to control the universe …”

Comm officer (Ms. OhHerWho; on shipwide intercom) – “Commander Dada! Commander Dada! Report to the bridge immediately. Capitan’s orders. Bring a can of catfood.”

As the ship spins out of control, an Evil Empire Firebird (circa 1967) decloaks off the starboard bow of the intrepid USS Entertainer (That’s the left front of the ship if you are facing forward from the rear of the ship – I think. I don’t remember.)

Gnarly looking Evil Empire captain – “Ooot de smook the dune niew?”

Gnarly looking Evil Empire helmsman – “Zoom wired sheet. Fosho! Delta Fawcett?”

Back on the bridge of the USS Entertainer. Commander Dada arrives on the bridge. He is  humanish looking android – pale and pasty, and his face looks like a collaboration between HP Lovecraft and Pablo Picasso. “Dada reporting as ordered, sir.”

Capitan Carton – “Get that damned cat of my bridge – and airlock the catbox in your quarters. The entire corridor stinks!”

Commander Dada joins Mr. Dork on the floor by the far wall and says comfortingly “Spot! Spot! Out, out, damned Spot!” as he sets a can of replicated Hot Tuna on the floor. The Hot Tuna immediately begins playing the song “Uncle Sam Blues” and wafting a fishy aroma through the bridge.

Capitan Carton “I do love those classical tropes.”

Spot complies and comes to Commander Dada.

Mr. YooHoo – “Capitan, we are out of freefall. But I’m not sure where we are. It looks like the dog star – Sirius.”

Mr. Dada carries Spot toward his quarters, but pauses at Mr. YooHoo’s station.

Commander Dada (to YooHoo) – “The tail formation is too long and the ears of the twin nebulae are too pointed. Surely it can’t be Sirius.”

Mr. Yoohoo – “It looks like Sirius. And don’t call me …”

Capitan Carton – “Mr. YooHoo! Clsssical tropes only or stand down on report! Ms. OhHerWho – report from the away team we left on the surface?”

Ms. OhHerWho – “Three redshirts down. One gold shirt asking to beam aboard. Communications are erratic and the enemy’s Ronald RayGuns are disrupting transporters.”

Commander Dada departs to quarters and sets Spot in the sitting area. Per orders, he gathers up the catbox. He re-opens the door (ssshhhh-whoosh) and dumps the catbox into the nearest disposal airlock.

Cut to viewscreen of the Evil Empire ‘67 Firebird. Suddenly, the viewscreen is obscured – blinded – by a collection of grit and adhesive brown semi-solids.

Gnarly Evil Empire Captain – “Woot the smook bedat!??

Gnarly Evil Empire helmansman – “Censors innicate keetsheet, Sir!”

Gnarly Evil Empire Captain – “Keetsheet? In spece? Prepusto ye indigesto!”

Gnarly Evil Empire helmansman – “Postdigesto, zeer. Unable to klir screen or censors. Offensive to both nacelle cavities! Loosing pwer – both nacelle cavities.”

Gnarly Evil Empire Captain  –  “Evad! Evad! Retour to Emiire.”

The Firebird veers off pursuit and recloaks.

Back on the USS Entertainer bridge.

Mr. YooHoo – “Second Emire ship breaking pursuit. Course 50167392586.pi. I have no idea where they re going. Very erratic flight pattern, but it appears they are headed for the neutered zone.”

Capitan Carton – “Looks like a miracle got us out of the box. Make it go, Mr. YooHoo.”

Ms. YeahHerWho – “Gold shirt away reports all redshirts vaporized. Requesting immediate transport back to ship.”

Back at Commander Dada’s quarters. Commander opens door to return empty catbox. As door ssssh-whooshes open, Spot races out the door and down the corridor to transporter room. Commander Dada chases. Door closes and secures as Spot runs in. Open comlink hears desperate Goldshirt begging for immediate extraction. Communication broken and spotty.

Goldshirt – “Unidentified interference. Sudden atmospheric rain of grit and viscous brown matter. Beam up immediate, please!”

Spot smacks a paw on a button on the transporter panel. “Meow! Meow! Rrewr Rrewr! Purr Purr.”

Goldshirt – “Unable to comprehend transmission. Garbled. Please resend via universal translator. Please – hurry. Environment toxic.”

Spot smacks a paw on another button on the transporter panel. Repeat transmission – “Meow! Meow! Rrewr Rrewr! Purr Purr.”

Goldshirt – “Received and acknowledged via translator. Thank you, thank you, thank you. One to beam up, Mr. Spot.”

Capitan Carton, Mr. Dork, Commander Dada and Dr. Waverley Wafer burst through the door as an exhausted Goldshirt materializes on the transporter pad. Dr. Wafer rushes to the inert man. Spot jumps off the  transporter console and into Commander Dada’s awaiting arms.

Capitan Carton – “Mr. Dada. I want that cat confined to your quarters hereafter.”

Commander Dada – “Yes sir. Immediately sir.”

Capitan Carton – “Contact the bridge. Tell them to make it go!”

Spot – “Meow! Meow! Rrewr Rrewr! Purr Purr.”


A Mystery Near Yellville!

©2013 Kirby Sanders

July 14, 2013
12:15 p.m.

NEAR YELLVILLE AR —  Residents of rural Searcy County southeast of the town of Yellville, Arkansas, are reporting a strange phenomenon this morning. According to residents of the idyllic but rugged area along the scenic Buffalo River, a strange “whooshing sound” rattled windows and shook homes early this morning.

Said one rural resident, “It weren’t no wind up and they was no sound like jets or aeroplane motors. Just this big whoooosh sound that come out of the southeast and went on to the northwest. Skeered my blue tick so bad he hid under the bed.”

A Yellville pastor noted, “I was in early to get the church ready for services when the winders started knockin’ and this crazy sound come up like the wings of an army of angels or demons swooping over town! It swooped off kind of westward toward Harrison and Bentonville.”

Air Force officials at the nearest bases in Little Rock AR and Springfield MO denied any military training activities were taking place, as did Air National Guard units in Batesville AR and Fort Smith AR.

The Searcy County sheriff reported, “took me by surprise. I was hauling on my britches, tripped on my Sam Browne and smacked my punkin head on the washtable in the bedroom. I got no clue what the (heck) it was.”

An unconfirmed report from an intern at the area Federal Aviation Administration offices said, “We don’t know what it was either. There was no incident reported from commercial aircraft in the area. We suspect it may have been logic and reason flying over the heads of area state and federal legislators.”

Civil Discourse and Polite Insults

Civil Southern Insults

© 2012 Kirby Sanders

Our civil discourse has gotten horribly un-civil. People calling one another “fascists” and “communists” and “sheeple” – using verbal bullying rather than understanding the finesse of a proper insult.

For many who were properly raised in the South or the Southwest there is ingrained  certain sense of decorum – and a proper insult is not honored unless properly delivered. It is quite possible (and respected)  for a gentleman or a lady to deliver an insult without being overly aggressive.

A gentleman can inflect a simple question such as “Sir?” so that it obviously means “look, you low-life son of a bitch” — but never call the guy a “low life son of a bitch”. Call him “sir”.

 One can also preface a response to any insult or unsubstantiated statement by saying “Bless your heart” –- meaning “I can’t believe you are stupid enough to really believe that.”

Then there is the available remark “I beg your pardon?”  Meaning “boy, you just pissed a lot of stupid in the soup bigtime”.

And of course “there’s a crow on your plate” — meaning “get ready to eat some facts, asshole”.

“I beg to differ” – see again “there’s a crow on your plate.”

Among the more aggressive suggestions might be that one’s counterpart in a given discussion is “thinking with the wrong head” – meaning their macho is outstripping their wisdom or perception of a given issue.

And a comment that “that boy ain’t right” – meaning “that is craziest psycho bullshit I have heard in a long time”.

In a pinch, one can explain that “I think I hear the dinner bell” – meaning “this discussion is terminated.” More aggressively but still politely, one may also say “Thank you for the conversation. You are excused from the table”. Notched up, one may also say “You are dismissed, sir. Good day to you.”

As a gentle reminder, one might hear a statement to the effect of “that dog don’t hunt” (irrelevant argument) or “what’s your horse in this race” (what is your agenda in this conversation).

The next time you are in the midst of an internet diatribe or a heated conversation – if you hear a calm and steady voice lightly scented with magnolia or mesquite stating gently “Pardon me – am I speaking too softly?”; know well, please, that a certain limit has been reached and someone at the table is about to be served with a royal flush in spades if the tenor of the discussion does not tone down to a more acceptable decibel level. And if the tone of the conversation does not  ramp down at that point? Well, “Katie bar the door! There’s going to be the devil to pay”.

Thank you for your kind attention.

Border Crisis!!!

Crisis at the Border
(Farcical News Service)
©2012 Kirby Sanders

Immigration officials on both sides of the Mexico border are reporting a crisis in migration.

“We can’t control the flow,” said one American Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) officer in Del Rio TX. “I’ve got a parking lot full of old pick-ups with Confederate flags and ‘Impeach Obama’ bumper stickers and gun racks waiting to process out”.

An officer on the Mexico side in Ciudad Acuna concurred . “We ask them ‘what is your purpose in Mexico’ and they reply ‘turismo’ — but everything they own is in the bed of their truck!”

The American INS official added “They are tearing down the border fences to get into Mexico!”

Correspondents attempted to get comment from various known border vigilantes in Arizona – but they had all moved to Mexico.

“Rodrigo” a spokesman for Zeta Recreational Pharmaceuticals in Calexico CA noted that the rush of migrants has been a mixed blessing for them. “We have temporarily suspended product shipments out of Mexico because the transit corridors are all gridlocked. Our trucks and mules cannot get product out because of the traffic gridlock. We are, however, seeing increased profits from our Coyotes Division escorting clients out of the U.S. and into Mexico.”

Rodrigo also noted that Zeta has reached a mutual understanding with the Tijuana Cartel and the United States Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) to deal with the current crisis. “We had a conference call with San Diego offices  earlier today. We have all agreed to cooperate. None of our businesses can prosper until this transit problem straightens out,” he said.

A spokesman for the DEA in San Diego noted “This is definitely bad for business. If Zeta and Tijuana are not exporting product, my guys have to just sit around the office doing paperwork — and we don’t like leaving paper trails. The coyotes are out of our jurisdiction.”

Betty Lou Thelma Liz Jones, a customer at an all-night convenience store in Muskogee OK, had a unique take on the situation. “Wow! They aren’t making Twinkies anymore and all the crackers are self-deporting. What am I gonna do when I get the munchies?”

Officials in Mexico near the Big Bend area of Texas are also concerned. “We  are being flooded with these Gringo ‘wet-ankles’,” said one. “We call them ‘wet-ankles’ because the Rio Grande is so shallow in this area that no one gets a wet back when crossing. Just ankles.”

Canadian officials indicate a unique approach to alleviating the problem on the northern border. The Press Attache’ for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police noted “We have seen a swarm at our border. But we just tell them we have socialized medicine. They utter some expletives,  turn around and head back south.”

Costa Rica and Belize have announced that they may deny landing rights to airlines originating in the United States. “We are a small but beautiful country,” explained one Costa Rican official. “We don’t want it to look like New York City and sound like Mississippi”.

Brazilian officials have been more open-minded. “These Americans are welcomed in Brazil – if they will learn Portuguese and assimilate into our culture.”