Tag Archives: Essay

Flight of the Felis Familiaris

The Flight of the Felis Familiarius

©2013, Kirby Sanders.

Have you ever noticed that there are never any cats on the bridge aboard ship in outer space movies? There’s a reason!



The Evil Alliance is pursuing and attacking our underdog heroes! The valiant Capitan Weit Leche Carton shouts “Get us out of here, helmsman — Burp Six!!!”

Helmsman Mr. Yohoo replies “Working on it, sir. Dammit cat, get off the control panel!”

Capitan continues “Ready weapons! I want plastic torpedos in tubes one and two. Fire on my mark in five, four, three …

Weapons officer – “Direct hit, sir! They are breaking off! We have disabled their nacelle cavity!”

Capitan Weit Leche Carton — “But … I didn’t say ‘fire.”’

Weapons officer: “Damned cat!”.

Capitan Carton – “Security! Mr. Dork! I want that cat off my bridge! Now!”

Mr. Dork, a hulking alien warrior looking dude who is oddly alluring in a Mandingo sort of way, approaches the Weapons Control panel. Cat leaps from control panel and runs across the room – hides under a console at the far wall. Mr. Dork pursues. Cat hisses from behind the panel as Mr. Dork attempts to get his arm into the small space.

Capitan Carton – “Mr. Dork! Status report?” I want that cat off my bridge!”

Mr. Dork – “I can’t reach him, sir. He is back behind the recalcitrance rectifier and the inanimate object.”

Capitan Carton – “Communications! Ms. OhHerWho! Get Commander Dada up here to retrieve his damned cat. Ensign YooHoo – assist Mr. Dork.”

Helmsman Mr. Yoohoo – “Not a good time sir. We seem to be taking a Delta Fawcett evasive maneuver pattern. I can’t control it, sir. I believe the cat has interfered with the inanimate object controls!!!”

Capitan Carton – “Stand your ground Mr. YooHoo. I didn’t order evasive maneuvers! Delta Fawcett? Which one is that?”

Mr.YooHoo – “It’s the pinwheel like nutcakes, I think we’re going to crash into the nearest moon ruse. The Kubiashi Moron maneuver developed by Capitan Quirk in the Grapes of Wrath of Cahn.”

Capitan Carton – “Ah yes, Cahn. The depraved guy from the studio exec’s office attempts to control the universe …”

Comm officer (Ms. OhHerWho; on shipwide intercom) – “Commander Dada! Commander Dada! Report to the bridge immediately. Capitan’s orders. Bring a can of catfood.”

As the ship spins out of control, an Evil Empire Firebird (circa 1967) decloaks off the starboard bow of the intrepid USS Entertainer (That’s the left front of the ship if you are facing forward from the rear of the ship – I think. I don’t remember.)

Gnarly looking Evil Empire captain – “Ooot de smook the dune niew?”

Gnarly looking Evil Empire helmsman – “Zoom wired sheet. Fosho! Delta Fawcett?”

Back on the bridge of the USS Entertainer. Commander Dada arrives on the bridge. He is  humanish looking android – pale and pasty, and his face looks like a collaboration between HP Lovecraft and Pablo Picasso. “Dada reporting as ordered, sir.”

Capitan Carton – “Get that damned cat of my bridge – and airlock the catbox in your quarters. The entire corridor stinks!”

Commander Dada joins Mr. Dork on the floor by the far wall and says comfortingly “Spot! Spot! Out, out, damned Spot!” as he sets a can of replicated Hot Tuna on the floor. The Hot Tuna immediately begins playing the song “Uncle Sam Blues” and wafting a fishy aroma through the bridge.

Capitan Carton “I do love those classical tropes.”

Spot complies and comes to Commander Dada.

Mr. YooHoo – “Capitan, we are out of freefall. But I’m not sure where we are. It looks like the dog star – Sirius.”

Mr. Dada carries Spot toward his quarters, but pauses at Mr. YooHoo’s station.

Commander Dada (to YooHoo) – “The tail formation is too long and the ears of the twin nebulae are too pointed. Surely it can’t be Sirius.”

Mr. Yoohoo – “It looks like Sirius. And don’t call me …”

Capitan Carton – “Mr. YooHoo! Clsssical tropes only or stand down on report! Ms. OhHerWho – report from the away team we left on the surface?”

Ms. OhHerWho – “Three redshirts down. One gold shirt asking to beam aboard. Communications are erratic and the enemy’s Ronald RayGuns are disrupting transporters.”

Commander Dada departs to quarters and sets Spot in the sitting area. Per orders, he gathers up the catbox. He re-opens the door (ssshhhh-whoosh) and dumps the catbox into the nearest disposal airlock.

Cut to viewscreen of the Evil Empire ‘67 Firebird. Suddenly, the viewscreen is obscured – blinded – by a collection of grit and adhesive brown semi-solids.

Gnarly Evil Empire Captain – “Woot the smook bedat!??

Gnarly Evil Empire helmansman – “Censors innicate keetsheet, Sir!”

Gnarly Evil Empire Captain – “Keetsheet? In spece? Prepusto ye indigesto!”

Gnarly Evil Empire helmansman – “Postdigesto, zeer. Unable to klir screen or censors. Offensive to both nacelle cavities! Loosing pwer – both nacelle cavities.”

Gnarly Evil Empire Captain  –  “Evad! Evad! Retour to Emiire.”

The Firebird veers off pursuit and recloaks.

Back on the USS Entertainer bridge.

Mr. YooHoo – “Second Emire ship breaking pursuit. Course 50167392586.pi. I have no idea where they re going. Very erratic flight pattern, but it appears they are headed for the neutered zone.”

Capitan Carton – “Looks like a miracle got us out of the box. Make it go, Mr. YooHoo.”

Ms. YeahHerWho – “Gold shirt away reports all redshirts vaporized. Requesting immediate transport back to ship.”

Back at Commander Dada’s quarters. Commander opens door to return empty catbox. As door ssssh-whooshes open, Spot races out the door and down the corridor to transporter room. Commander Dada chases. Door closes and secures as Spot runs in. Open comlink hears desperate Goldshirt begging for immediate extraction. Communication broken and spotty.

Goldshirt – “Unidentified interference. Sudden atmospheric rain of grit and viscous brown matter. Beam up immediate, please!”

Spot smacks a paw on a button on the transporter panel. “Meow! Meow! Rrewr Rrewr! Purr Purr.”

Goldshirt – “Unable to comprehend transmission. Garbled. Please resend via universal translator. Please – hurry. Environment toxic.”

Spot smacks a paw on another button on the transporter panel. Repeat transmission – “Meow! Meow! Rrewr Rrewr! Purr Purr.”

Goldshirt – “Received and acknowledged via translator. Thank you, thank you, thank you. One to beam up, Mr. Spot.”

Capitan Carton, Mr. Dork, Commander Dada and Dr. Waverley Wafer burst through the door as an exhausted Goldshirt materializes on the transporter pad. Dr. Wafer rushes to the inert man. Spot jumps off the  transporter console and into Commander Dada’s awaiting arms.

Capitan Carton – “Mr. Dada. I want that cat confined to your quarters hereafter.”

Commander Dada – “Yes sir. Immediately sir.”

Capitan Carton – “Contact the bridge. Tell them to make it go!”

Spot – “Meow! Meow! Rrewr Rrewr! Purr Purr.”

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Death of the American Dream

Death of the American Dream
©2013, Kirby Sanders

Yeah — in a way I could miss the 1950s. But only in childhood dreams.

I was born in 1952. It wasn’t easy. I was kind of sickly. But Davey Crockett, Daniel Boone and Lone Ranger on the radio and later on the teevee were good guys — righteous. So were Zorro and the Swamp Fox and Robin Hood. They defended the weak and downtrodden. They were voices for a growing nation — reliant in the knowledge that everyone’s efforts would be needed to bring a society to greatness. They gave me things to live for. Purposes and goals.

Frontier women were respected and strong figures. Often as fallible as the men themselves. NOT the June Cleavers who wore pearls to vacuum the living room. Those women were jokes (as were their weakling husbands).

Sometimes I still smile at old pictures of me in my kid get-ups as a cowboy or in scruffy slacks and a coonskin cap. I was barely aware of Joe McCarthy (Dad thought he was “nut” — and disillusioned with Eisenhower for not standing up.)

Moving into the 1960s, I thought John Wayne was a schmuck; Roy Rogers was a live-action cartoon — but Sky King and Penny were cool, as were Chuck Connors as “The Rifleman” and Crusader Rabbit. Crusader Rabbit was a cartoon cartoon that eventually morphed into Rocky and Bullwinkle and (one might argue) even later Calvin and Hobbes.

Come about 1963, I was 11-years old. President Kennedy was assassinated and the downtrodden were being murdered just for not being white. The police were hiding the murders (if not complicit) — and everything I learned from Davey and Daniel; Lone Ranger, Swamp Fox and Zorro; Chuck Connors started to appear as though it had been lies.

Through the latter 1960s and into the 1970s, the lies became blatant. Murders were perpetrated and hidden by the powerful. Vietnam was an obvious quagmire with no higher goal whatsoever. Nixon was a crook who declared “I am not a crook” – and a bunch of idiots bought it.

Come the 1980s, I saw Reagan parlay “voodoo economics” into a dismantling of the American economy — trading with enemies to enrich his own goals. By time of the Savings and Loan collapse, I had a small bit of money built up with which to pursue dreams. It disappeared overnight when new policies did what they were intended to do and tanked the small investors.

1990s – the Bushes built a power base on old school bigots, Nazi sympathy money and people who bombed doctors’ offices. The transformation was almost complete. America was no more.

The rich and powerful bought the nation — with the intention of driving it to ruin for their own profit. If you ain’t in — you ain’t gonna get there.

Yeah — in a way I could miss the 1950s. But only in childhood dreams. Contemporary TeaBag reality has strangled them all — gradually and intentionally.

RIP, Davey and Daniel and Zorro, Rifleman and Swamp Fox. We who remember will join you soon. The American Dream is over.

A Mystery Near Yellville!

©2013 Kirby Sanders

July 14, 2013
12:15 p.m.

NEAR YELLVILLE AR —  Residents of rural Searcy County southeast of the town of Yellville, Arkansas, are reporting a strange phenomenon this morning. According to residents of the idyllic but rugged area along the scenic Buffalo River, a strange “whooshing sound” rattled windows and shook homes early this morning.

Said one rural resident, “It weren’t no wind up and they was no sound like jets or aeroplane motors. Just this big whoooosh sound that come out of the southeast and went on to the northwest. Skeered my blue tick so bad he hid under the bed.”

A Yellville pastor noted, “I was in early to get the church ready for services when the winders started knockin’ and this crazy sound come up like the wings of an army of angels or demons swooping over town! It swooped off kind of westward toward Harrison and Bentonville.”

Air Force officials at the nearest bases in Little Rock AR and Springfield MO denied any military training activities were taking place, as did Air National Guard units in Batesville AR and Fort Smith AR.

The Searcy County sheriff reported, “took me by surprise. I was hauling on my britches, tripped on my Sam Browne and smacked my punkin head on the washtable in the bedroom. I got no clue what the (heck) it was.”

An unconfirmed report from an intern at the area Federal Aviation Administration offices said, “We don’t know what it was either. There was no incident reported from commercial aircraft in the area. We suspect it may have been logic and reason flying over the heads of area state and federal legislators.”

Quarrel With Dylan Thomas

A Quarrel With Dylan Thomas

©2012 Kirby Sanders

Do not go gentle into that good night? Do tell, please sir – why not?

I understand, sir, that you are speaking in villanelle – wherein the structure of the poem is almost of greater importance than the content, but why “rage, rage against the dying of the light”?

It seems to me that a reasonable man, after a long metaphorical and metaphysical “day” might welcome his eventual rest. As you well put it yourself, sir, “men at their end know dark is right”.

You speak of men whose “words had forked no lightning” – but what of those whose words have indeed forked lightning?  You speak of men “crying how bright 
their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay” but what of those whose deeds have indeed danced in every green bay they came across?

You speak of “Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight 
and learn, too late, they grieved it on its way” – but what of those who caught and sang and whose hands were burned and scarred in the process? Whose voices were sometimes hoarse from raucous singing?

You speak of “Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight – blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay” but what of those whose eyes were not blinded in the moments they stared into the sun itself? Who celebrated the gaiety as it occurred?

Why should such men “Rage, rage against the dying of the light”? Why should they not “go gentle into that good night” – retaining dignity in the knowledge that they have lived to the best and fullest of their abilities?

Why not, at the end of the troublesome metaphorical and metaphysical “day”, just quietly put on your pajamas and gracefully go to sleep?

Sometimes I wonder about these things.

Alleviating Parking Problems in Fayetteville AR

Alleviating Parking Problems in the Fayetteville AR

Entertainment District ~ Think “Outside the Box”

© 2013 – Kirby Sanders

It comes as no news to anyone that the parking situation on Dickson Street has become untenable. As a result, many locals avoid Dickson Street altogether, resulting in a loss of steady and reliable non-tourist traffic and income for businesses on the street – not to mention lost Hotel and Restaurant Tax revenue for the city. Building a new parking deck behind the Walton Arts Center (WAC) may help alleviate the situation somewhat, but still leaves our elderly and mobility-restricted without reliable nearby access to venues and programs they might otherwise wish to attend – and may not create enough new parking to make much of a dent in the problem. It may prove to be nothing more than a very expensive “band-aid” if we consider potential future growth.

While the parking situation in the Dickson Street area remains a tangle, downtown parking about a mile away from the heart of The Street is often empty on evenings when parking near Dickson is impossible. Perhaps it is time to “think outside the box” in order to alleviate two situations at once.

Perhaps we might re-visit and re-institute the old Fayetteville trolleys as what many urban areas have found to be a tried and true “Park and Ride” solution.

Lets say we were to run handicapped-accessible trolleys maybe every 30 minutes from Downtown (DT) near the parking lot just north of City Hall to the Walton Arts Center (WAC)  — if nothing else on weekends and during special events. Maybe we even restrict it to evenings — first run out of Downtown 5:30 p.m. and the last run back to Downtown at midnight. Perhaps using a route along Center to West and back again to keep the trolleys on-schedule and out of College Avenue and Dickson Street traffic? Maybe charge a buck to $2.50 a head each way for a ride on the trolley to defray operational expenses. I think a lot of people would use it rather than avoiding Dickson all together and missing some good events because of the parking wrangle. For an extra two to five bucks on a night on the town, I’d use it. I am one who sometimes has problems walking all the way from DT parking to WAC at Dickson Street and West Avenue — and refuse to deal with the chaos of trying to park around Dickson. On the now rare occasion when I go to Dickson Street, I take a cab from and to the house. $10 roundtrip for a 1.5 mile roundtrip

The trolley buses don’t necessarily have to be anything as “cute” as the old trolleys were (although that would be nice). Just reliable transportation to help fill vacant lots Downtown and help clear some in the Dickson area proper.

Probably it would require two buses to keep on schedule. Perhaps position one at Downtown City Hall and one at WAC at 5:00 p.m. for first departures . The buses trade places and return to original positions at 5:30 p.m. Same same twice per hour –- on the 30 and the top of each hour. The trolleys would pass one another somewhere along Center Street. The first few WAC to DT departures might run empty, but logistically one bus probably could not keep on schedule. It is approx 4 minutes each direction (8 minutes round trip). Add say another four minutes each to disembark  and re-board at each location and that is 12 minutes out of a 30 minute block of time. That leaves 9 minutes sitting at each stop if there is one trolley bus only. Maybe one trolley could do the trick but that might be pushing it on peak evenings. Perhaps we might try it with one bus Monday – Thursday and two on Friday – Saturday (no service on Sundays). Two on Thursday – Saturday during “Special events” such as Bikes Blues, etc? Perhaps we test-run with two buses Thursday through Saturday only? Is it possible that an initial test run of two to five years’ duration might be contracted to Ozark Regional Transit rather than the city buying and operating buses for an untested plan?

Having two buses on the schedule could also allow passengers some shelter from winter / inclement weather, as they could board whenever they arrived at either stop rather than waiting outside in the elements. Possibly we use electric or propane / LNG buses to cut cost of operations. Eventually equip the trolleys with separate generator powered AC and heat so the trolleys would not have to run their motors to keep passengers comfy cool or warm whilst sitting at stops? That would save on wear and tear / maintenance of motors as well as fuel costs. Even with only one trolley operating, that is 18 minutes out of every hour wherein it would not be necessary to burn fuel with a bus sitting with the motor at idle.

Funding? Chip a tiny percent from existing parking revenues to help fund the project. Maybe a bit from Hotel and Restaurant taxes? Perhaps the Visitors and Convention Council could give a wee touch to the town rather than helping to fund more for an already wealthy “gown”. It is difficult to put visitors’ “heads in beds” or “tax the burgers” if there isn’t anywhere for the visitors to park their cars when they get here.

There are solutions possible if we, as a community – town and gown, consider creative approaches to mutual. As songwriter Billy Hill wrote in his 1930s tune Glory of Love, “You’ve got to give a little, take a little — and let your poor heart break a little. That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.”

And who knows – people might even enjoy some additional fun and fellowship on the Park and Ride trolleys as they begin and end their forays out on the town! It might also help feed some downtown businesses. If the restaurants on Dickson are too crowded on a given evening, hop the trolley and have a meal downtown! A truly mutual “Downtown-Dickson” approach. Imagine that!

This is not an “either or” proposition. Build the new parking deck and consider a DT to WAC “Park and Ride”. This is a sincere suggestion that perhaps we should consider “walking and chewing gum at the same time”.  Think about it.

30 Best “Western” Movies

My Baby Loves the Western Movies

~ The 30 best “westerns” ever filmed ~

© 2012 Kirby Sanders

The recent release of Quentin Tarantino’s movie Django Unchained has raised some new interest in the genre of “Westerns” as a cinematic art form — an interest that is well-deserved for this uniquely American tradition.

The new Tarantino is an homage (I like that word better than “remake) based upon the 1966 “spaghetti western” Django directed by Sergio Corbucci.

Western movies in general may have fallen out of fashion to a large extent, but a lot of folks still like ‘em. Me included. Many cinema snobs like to put down westerns, often claiming many of us of a certain age group are merely holding a sense of nostalgia and sentimentality for an outmoded entertainment genre we grew up on.  (Raise your hand if you ever had a coonskin cap as a kid, sang “Davey, Davey Crockett. King of the wild frontier” and Bonanza” or remember that Chuck Connors was The Rifleman and Paladin, Have Gun Will Travel was Richard Boone.) However, a close look at the genre shows us a truly American commitment to righting wrongs, standing in the face of adversity and directly and personally addressing social problems that surround us.

My son, Tristan (early 20s), is a bigtime “flick freak” (perhaps the fruit doesn’t fall too far from the tree) but held westerns in great disdain into his late teens — until I sat him down and forced him to watch a few with me. Instant convert — to the point that he collaborated in this collection, reminding me of a few flicks I had missed  (and adding three of his own suggestions).

Thus may I present, for our dining and dancing pleasure, my (admittedly subjective) Thirty Favorite Western Movies of All Time. Admittedly, you won’t find any Roy Rogers or Audie Murphey or John Wayne (well, maybe one Wayner) on the list. Maybe not much predating 1960s. Lets face it, when Westerns were The Big Thing in the 1950s, science fiction writer  Theodore Sturgeon’s “Law” was as true of the Western genre as it is of any other. Said Sturgeon “Sure, 90% of science fiction is crud. That’s because 90% of everything is crud” and there was a lot of 100% ground out of Hollywood in the Western genre.

These titles are presented in alphabetical order. I can’t do an all-time faves in numeric order because my favorite today may well be different from it was yesterday or might be tomorrow. Some may quarrel my choices (and have a few preferred choices of their own) – and they are welcome to make their own lists.

Saddle up, buckaroos, as we ride into town guns blazing.

• 3:10 to Yuma (2007, Director James Mangold  featuring Russell Crowe and Christian Bale – Drama) • Remake of 1957 director Delmer Daves film starring Glen Ford and Van Heflin.  Of course, we start off with stark heresy by considering this remake of a “classic” to be better than the original. Both of the films are essentially psycho-dramas that concentrate on the interaction between a black-hatted baddy who has been captured and poor dirt farmer who has agreed to see to his foil to the prison train – for desperately needed cash to save his failing ranch. The original is pretty sparse on action and can move a bit slowly at times. The remake fleshes out the two men’s characters and lends some excellent action sequences to an already creditable game of wits between the two.

• Bandidas  (2006, Directors Joachim Ronning and Espen Sandberg featuring Salma Hayek, Penelope Cruz, Steve Zahn and Dwight Yoakam – Drama / Adventure /Comedy) • Here’s one the guys might make some date-points with. Strong female leads with plenty of romance, some laughs and plenty of pathos. Cpnxider it a worthy western chick-flick. Hayek and Cruz play two young Mexican women out to avenge the deaths of their fathers at the hands of evil railroad barons who want to steal their land. Hayek plays a spoiled daughter of a Don, Cruze  the daughter of a peasant farmer, team up against chief baddy / railroad enforcer Yoakam. Zahn is a somewhat inept Pinkerton agent specializing in scientific investigation hired by the railroad to track the women down.  Zahn eventually teams up with the girls when he discovers injustices have been done.

• Blazing Saddles (1974, Director Mel Brooks featuring Cleavon Little and Gene Wilder – Comedy) • Yes, Blazing Saddles. It is a Western, no doubt about it. In typical Mel Brooks fashion, it shreds a lot of conventions and tropes for comedic effect and has the audacity to address the issue of racial bigotry in the Old West – and the contemporary culture of 1974. Not much else to say that most folks don’t already know about this one.

• Buffalo Soldiers (1997, Director Charles Haid featuring Lamont Bentley and Tom Bower – Drama) • This one was a made-for-TV movie. However, it is an excellent look at the gallantry of the Freedmen who joined the United States Army after  being freed from slavery during the Civil War. Facing bigotry from their white commanders that sends them on what could be a suicide mission, the black regiment successfully tracks down and — dispatches is a good word -– the Apache war chief Vittorio and shaman NaNa in Arizona Territory during the 1870s / 1880s.

• Cat Ballou (1965, Director Elliot Silverstein featuring Jane Fonda, Lee Marvin and Dwayne Hickman – Comedy / Drama) • A classic, and its another excellent “points with the ladies” cowboy chick-flick with Fonda playing a refined young lady home from finishing school in The East when her father is murdered by the baddies trying to steal his ranch. Fonda is romantically pursued by bumbling petty outlaw Hickman (bother of Darryl Hickman — TV’s Dobie Gillis). Fonda and Hickman “go outlaw” and call for a gunslinger to help them avenge Fonda’s father. Marvin plays dual roles as both a drunken former gunfighter who responds to their call and as the gunslinger’s evil brother who was responsible for the murder of Fonda’s father.

• Cold Mountain (2003, Director Anthony Minghella featuring Jude Law, Michelle Kidman and Renee Zellewegger – Drama) • There a sub-genre the Western that some refer to as “Southern / Civil War” dramas. Cold Mountain is one of those. It takes place during the Civil War in North Carolina (definitely not west of the Mississippi River), but it is certainly in-period and deals with an important aspect of American history. A war-weary and wounded Confederate soldier deserts and is making his way back to the woman he loves. Much of the story focuses on the deprivations of the war visited upon the southern civilian population during the Civil War. More of a chick-flick / love story than a shoot-em-up, it is a beautiful and well-crafted film that takes a stark look at a frequently overlooked dire aspect of the Civil War.

• Cowoys and Aliens (2011, Director Jon Favreau featuring Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford and Olivia Wilde – Drama / Action) • Quirky and fun – but the genre purists may squeal about this one. An invading spaceship lands in Arizona in 1873 and a posse of cowboys and other locals saddle up to fend off the invaders. Make plenty of popcorn and turn off your brain.

• Dead Man (1995, Director Jim Jarmusch featuring Johnny Depp and Gary Farmer – Drama) • Another quirky one. Depp plays a character named William Blake – a young accountant who spent his every dime to arrive in The West in a star-crossed attempt to land a job that he ha been promised. His promised employer immediately sends the newly-arrived Depp packing but penniless. The dejected Depp takes up with a poor town girl who makes paper flowers to survive –- and is also romantically involved with the son of his weasely and ambitious would-be employer. In a confrontation with the prominent son and the girl, both are killed and Depp / Blake is wounded and on the lam. He falls into the company of Farmer (an Oxford educated Indian named “Nobody”) -– who has mistakenly taken Depp / Blake for the poet William Blake – and who accompanies Depp on his spiritual death journey.
• Duck, You Sucker  – aka: Fistful of Dynamite (1971, Director Sergio Leone featuring Rod Steiger, James Coburn and Eli Wallach – Drama) • Sergio Leone – father of the “spaghetti western”, but this one has a slightly different twist than the earlier shoot-em-ups. Charles Bronson is a refugee Irish Republican Army who escapes to Mexico in about 1913. He comes upon a petty Mexican bandido / would-be bank robber and they both get themselves caught fighting for Pancho Villa. Eli Wallach is the Mexican (as, oddly, he was in several Leone films. Big-budget Leone. Big battle scenes, excellent character development and a literal train-wreck leading to the final battle sequence. No Clint Eastwood; lots of explosions.

• Dusk Till Dawn 3 – Hangman’s Daughter (1999, Director P.J. Pesce  featuring Marco Leonardi and Michael Parks – Drama / Horror) • Third in Robert Rodriguez’ Dusk Till Dawn trilogy. One can easily argue that Rodiguez and frequent collaborator Quentin Tarantino pay frequent homage to the western and especially the “spaghetti western” tradition. However, Hangman’s Daughter is actually set in Mexico circa 1913 (period correct). Parks plays famous American author Ambrose Bierce in a fact-based arrival in Mexico during the Revolution of 1913. In reality, Bierce disappears from the face of the earth in December of 1913 – probably executed by Fedrales as he seeks to make contact with Pancho Villa. In the Rodriguez version, Bierce first falls in with the usual cast of vampires at the “Tetilla del Diablo” (Nipple of the Devil) — which of course is the later infamous vampiric “Titty Twister” of the first film in the trilogy. Lots of vampires get whacked and Bierce rides off into the sunrise – probably for his fateful meeting with the Federales. Personal note. Of the Dusk Till Dawn trilogy, #1 and #3 are worth watching. Number Two – not so much.

• Evil Roy Slade (1972, Director Jerry Paris featuring John Astin, Pamela Austin, Dick Shawn and Mickey Rooney – Comedy) • Fun, fun, fun – Astin (Gomez Addams on the original TV series Addams Family) plays the “Evilest Man in the West” who falls for idealistic school-marm Austin in the midst of a bank robbery. Austn falls for Evil Roy as well – but only if he will make a changed man of himself and follow the straight and narrow. Rooney is the evil railroad baron who wants Astin / Slade’s head at any cost. After several failed attempts, Rooney lures Shawn (a famous but vain singing lawman known as Bing Bell –- running gag “is someone at the door?”) to capture Evil Roy Slade / Astin. Chaos ensues. A fun time is guaranteed for all.

• Fistful of Dollars (1964, Director Sergio Leone featuring Clint Eastwood and Gian Maria Volante – Drama) • Possibly the definitional “spaghetti western” and not a lot to say that hasn’t been said — other than that it was based upon Japanese director Akira Kurosawa’s iconic Samurai film Yojimbo. The Kurosawa connection is an interesting circle in and of itself. Kurosawa was a fan of American westerns who felt that the genre and style did well to portray the mediaeval Japanese Samurai and Ronin cutures. Whereafter, many of Kurosawa’s treatments were translated back into (you guessed it) – westerns. First of the Leone / Eastwood trilogy that includes For a Few Dollars More and The Good, The Bad and The Good Ugly .  Nothing new here – do carry on.

• Glory (1989, Director Edward Zwick  featuring Matthew Broderick and Denzel Washington – Drama) • Another in the Southern / Civil War sub-genre, this one deals with the experiences of the first all-black volunteer regiment formed during the war. Excellent action scenes and a creditable portrayal of prejudice within the ranks of the Union Army

• Heaven’s Gate (1980, Director Michael Cimino featuring Kris Kristofferson, Christopher Walken and John Hurt – Drama) • It was a bust at the box office, but is a must-see in upper-level cinema classes for its breathtaking cinematography, incredible choreography of movement and outstanding character development. The plot follows a wealthy young man (Kristofferson) as he heads west from his privileged life to become a U.S. Marshal during range wars in Wyoming during the 1890s. Kristofferson sees the injustice being done and takes sides with poor immigrant settlers and sodbusters who are being murdered and cheated out of their land by corrupt politicos and the wealthy Cattlemans’ Association. Classic love-triangle as Kristofferson and the Cattlemens’ enforcer (Walken) vie for the heart of the local madame-with-a-heart-of-gold. Based loosely on facts – albeit very loosely — of the Johnson County War in Wyoming’s history. The movie flopped for several reasons. It was extraordinarily expensive, over budget and suffered several scheduling setbacks. Cost of production was about $44 million and gross U.S. box office was just shy of $4 million. It is also long; too long for the attention span of the average moviegoer – just over 3.5 hours. The first half of the movie is also somewhat slow, concentrating more on character development than action. Well worth it, but settle in for a long day.

• High Noon (1952, Director Fred Zinneman featuring Gary Cooper and Grace Kelly – Drama) • The classic lone good-guy is compelled to save a town that will not save itself. Again, not a lot to say that hasn’t already been said again and again. Mr. Smith Goes to a Gunfight.

• High Plains Drifter (1973, Director Clint Eastwood featuring Clint Eastwood, Verna Bloom and Marianna Hill – Drama) • This opens a lovely Pandora’s box for discussion; ie: “what is the best Clint Eastwood western”? One might write another entire article on that topic. High Plains Drifter is a classic stranger-comes-to-town to avenge –- something unknown until the very end of the flick; and organizes the cowardly citizens to protect itself from a band of outlaws while simultaneously punishing the town for not previously standing for the righteous. One of Eastwood’s better “grey” or “anti-hero” roles. Must see. Not giving short shrift to Pale Rider or Two Mules for Sister Sarah or Outlaw Josey Wales or Hang ‘Em High, just subjectively choosing Eastwood’s best early western outside of the “spaghetti” genre. Your mileage may vary.

• Last Man Standing (1996, Director Walter Hill featuring Bruce Willis, Bruce Dern, Christopher Walken and William Sanderson – Drama) • Breaking tradition somewhat, Last Man Standing is a sub-genre that I call “modern westerns”. It is actually set in deep South Texas on the Mexico border during Prohibition. It qualifies as a “western” for its gritty locales and attitudes even though the chatter of “Chicago Typewriters” js the predominant gunplay. It is another re-telling of Kurosawa’s Yojimbo (ergo Fist Full of Dollars) with Willis as the man-with-no-name (“John Smith – from Back East”) playing two rival mobs in the dusty town against one another for his own profit – and a personal sense of justice.

• The Long Riders (1980, Director Walter Hill featuring David Carradine, Stacy Keach and Dennis Quaid – Drama) • Genius – a telling of the James-Younger Gang story that might as well be called “Seven Roles for Seven Brothers”. Hill cast brothers James and Stacy Keach as Frank and Jesse James; David, Keith and Robert Carradine as the Younger siblings and Dennis and Randy Quaid as gang cohorts Ed and Clell Miller. Lots of gunplay and a graphic depiction on the gang’s failed bank raid in Northfield MN on September 7, 1876. Just for added measure, former gang members  Bob and Charlie Ford( said to have been the eventual killers of Jesse James) are portrayed by brother-actors Nicholas and Christopher Guest.

• The Magnificent Seven (1960, Director John Sturges featuring Yul Brynner, Steve McQueen and Charles Bronson – Drama) • Another unquestionable classic with an all-star cast. Magnificent Seven is a pick-up of Akira Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai – a gaggle of disenchanted warriors team up to battle a corrupt boss / overlord. Little to say that hasn’t already been said. Just watch it.
• No Country for Old Men (2007, Directors Ethan & Joel Coen featuring Tommy Lee Jones, Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin – Drama) • Another “modern western; in the tradition” set in contemporary time. Brolin’s small-fry character stumbles upon a cache of cash at the bloody scene of a major drug deal gone bad while hunting in the desert of deep south Texas. He takes the money and runs, pursued by a psychotic killer (Bardem) who has been engaged to retrieve the cash for the baddies. Old-time county sheriff (Jones) is trying to keep up with the mess and possibly keep Brolin from being killed while Brolin is on the lam.
• Once Upon a Time in the West (1968, Director Sergio Leone featuring Henry Fonda, Charles Bronson and Claudia Cardinale – Drama) • Another bowl of excellent spaghetti. New bride (with a checkered past) Cardinale comes west from New Orleans to join her husband on his paltry ranch smack in the middle of the new railroad course. Of course, the evil railroad barons are trying to steal the land and Cardinale arrives to find her new husband and his children murdered. Drifter Bronson, having had his own run-in with baddie Fonda who is the railroad;s “enforcer” and joins up with Cardinale to protect her land and build a privately owned railroad station along the tracks. This was reportedly a “breakout role” for Fonda who was weary of being the Hollywood-hype pretty-boy and relished the bad-guy role. He does it well.

• The Quick and the Dead (1995, Director Sam Raimi featuring Sharon Stone, Gene Hackman and Russell Crowe – Drama) • We are actually talking about two movies here. The Raimi version is not the traditional Louis Lamour novel, but a good story on its own with a strong female lead. Stone’s character seeks to avenge the death of her father when she was a child by seeking out the wealthy, powerful and corrupt gang leader (Hackman) who was the immediate cause of her father’s death. This by way of an annual gunfight tourney staged by Hackman as an entertainment (and show of control) in the town he has come to own. The traditional Louis Lamour storyline is a 1987 version with Sam Elliott and Kate Capshaw. It’s okay – true to form Sam Elliott. Both of them are worth the watching.

• Rango (2011, Director Gore Verbinski featuring voices of Johnny Depp, Isla Fisher and Timothy Olyphant – Animated comedy / drama) • Another quirky one. Rango is a modern-set spaghetti western disguised as a kid-flick. The main charaters are an assortment of assortment of desert lizards, birds and beasts living in the town of “Dirt” wrangling over water in the Nevada desert that is being diverted to establish what appears to be Las Vegas. Plenty of amusing animation to keep the kids entertained – but they may not understand the story until they are in college and majoring in cinema.

• Rustler’s Rhapsody (1985, Director Hugh Wilson featuring Tom Berenger, Andy Griffith and Marilu Henner – Comedy) • A spoof of the “singing cowboys” with Berenger as a Hollywood cowboy who is transported into something resembling the real west. Sort of. Andy Griffith portrays the evil cattle baron (with somewhat “latent” tendencies). Berenger has a proclivity for passing his lonesome nights at the campfire chewing medicinal “cactus root” and eventually falls in with the evil cattle baron’s daughter (Henner), the town drunk and the town’s favorite “saloon girl” (an expensive girl with a heart of gold who entertains private clients  — by talking to them). The question for Griffith in trying to defeat Berenger becomes “is he a good enough good guy?” The truth is to be told when Griffith hires a “better good guy” (portrayed by John Wayne’s son, Patrick Wayne) as the final solution in dealing with Berenger. Fun “cult” comedy – but it’s a hoot, Gibson!

• The Shootist (1976, Director Don Siegel featuring John Wayne, Lauren Bacall and Ron Howard – Drama) • Not a fan of “Wayners” in general because John Wayne always portrayed the same character – John Wayne. In this one, he quit acting and started emoting. Plotline revolves around an aging gunfighter dying of cancer and his efforts to find meaning and dignity in the last days of his life. The word is that Wayne knew that he truly was desperately ill when he made the film and was personally dealing with the same issues. The character was not a cardboard cutout in a theater lobby, it was Wayne staring into the abyss and seeing only the abyss staring back. A powerful performance – if it was a performance.

• Tombstone (1993, Director George P. Cosmatos featuring Kurt Russell, Val Kilmer and Sam Elliott – Drama) • Forced at gunpoint to pick a #1 favorite, it might be Tombstone. Story –wise, it is a good enough retelling of the 1861 gunfight at (or near) the O.K. Corral in Tombstone, Arizona. What sets Tombstone head and shoulders above other retellings is the characterizations. Best of the lot is Val Kilmer as Doc Holiday. Kilmer doesn’t portray a character. Rather, he channels the spirit of a complex historical figure. Kurt Russell does an excellent job of portraying Wyatt Earp as a burned-out good guy who first just wants out of the game and whose hand and sense of justice are finally forced into a reckoning with outlaws and crooked politicos. Outstanding characterizations of elder-and-wiser brother Virgil Earp by Sam Elliott and some sensible and sensitive touches by Bill Paxton as youngest sibling  Morgan Earp. Kudos as well to the ladies of the cast for excellent portrayals of several historically viable female characters and a strong support cast of really bad-ass bad guys.
• True Grit (2010, Directors Ethan and Joel Coen featuring Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon and Hailee Steinfeld – Drama). • Let the howling commence. The 2010 is far better than the 1969 Wayner. Jeff Bridges does a better job of portraying the complicated character of Rooster Cogburn than John Wayne because Bridges seems to understand that he is portraying a character rather than portraying himself portraying a character. Massive applause for newcomer and youngster Hailee Steinfeld for beautiful and touching moments as lead character Mattie Ross, a 14-year-old girl who hires the gritty Cogburn (Bridges) to bring to justice the man who murdered her father.

•  There Will be Blood (2007, Director Paul Thomas Anderson featuring Daniel Day-Lewis and Paul Dano – Drama) • Call it a “period drama” if you like, but There Will be Blood is a reasonable portrayal of the blood and ambition involved in petroleum prospecting in California from about the 1860s through the turn of the 20th century. Daniel Day-Lewis’ characterization of  oilman Daniel Plainfield is an amalgamation of actual historical figures – not a documentary look at any single mogul – but is obvious that everyone from the writers through the production staff and cast did their homework. The final scenes of the film were filmed on-location at an historically preserved mansion built by one of the early California oil barons.

• The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada  (2005, Director Tommy Lee Jones featuring  Tommy Lee Jones, Barry Pepper and Dwight Yoakam – Drama) • This is another “Modern Western” set in contemporary times and is probably the most “Texas movie” I have seen in a long time. Dirt cowboy Tommy Lee Jones befriends an illegal alien co-worker and somewhat frivolously promises to deliver his friend’s body back to Mexico if he dies in the U.S. Friend is then killed by Border Patrol agents in what may have been an accidental shooting but is covered up by federal and local authorities. True to his word, Jones’ character tracks down the Border Patrol Officer (Pepper) who killed his friend and forces him to help carry the body back to Mexico for a proper burial. It’s all about doing the right thing even if everybody thinks you are crazy for doing so.

• Unforgiven (1992, Director Clint Eastwood featuring Clint Eastwood, Gene Hackman and Morgan Freeman – Drama) • Probably Eastwood’s bleakest assessment of the Wild West. The good guy (Eastwood) is a retired killer who brings his former partner-in-crimes out of retirement as well to collect bounty that was collected to avenge a prostitute who was beaten, cut and defaced by a drunken cowboy. One of the main bad-guys is the corrupt town sheriff (Hackman), who has “a past” himself and is more interested in getting paid and keeping a lid on things than he is in seeing justice done for the woman who was attacked. Welcome to the world – the bad guys aren’t all bad and the good guys aren’t all good.

That’s my list – watch and enjoy what you enjoy.

Civil Discourse and Polite Insults

Civil Southern Insults

© 2012 Kirby Sanders

Our civil discourse has gotten horribly un-civil. People calling one another “fascists” and “communists” and “sheeple” – using verbal bullying rather than understanding the finesse of a proper insult.

For many who were properly raised in the South or the Southwest there is ingrained  certain sense of decorum – and a proper insult is not honored unless properly delivered. It is quite possible (and respected)  for a gentleman or a lady to deliver an insult without being overly aggressive.

A gentleman can inflect a simple question such as “Sir?” so that it obviously means “look, you low-life son of a bitch” — but never call the guy a “low life son of a bitch”. Call him “sir”.

 One can also preface a response to any insult or unsubstantiated statement by saying “Bless your heart” –- meaning “I can’t believe you are stupid enough to really believe that.”

Then there is the available remark “I beg your pardon?”  Meaning “boy, you just pissed a lot of stupid in the soup bigtime”.

And of course “there’s a crow on your plate” — meaning “get ready to eat some facts, asshole”.

“I beg to differ” – see again “there’s a crow on your plate.”

Among the more aggressive suggestions might be that one’s counterpart in a given discussion is “thinking with the wrong head” – meaning their macho is outstripping their wisdom or perception of a given issue.

And a comment that “that boy ain’t right” – meaning “that is craziest psycho bullshit I have heard in a long time”.

In a pinch, one can explain that “I think I hear the dinner bell” – meaning “this discussion is terminated.” More aggressively but still politely, one may also say “Thank you for the conversation. You are excused from the table”. Notched up, one may also say “You are dismissed, sir. Good day to you.”

As a gentle reminder, one might hear a statement to the effect of “that dog don’t hunt” (irrelevant argument) or “what’s your horse in this race” (what is your agenda in this conversation).

The next time you are in the midst of an internet diatribe or a heated conversation – if you hear a calm and steady voice lightly scented with magnolia or mesquite stating gently “Pardon me – am I speaking too softly?”; know well, please, that a certain limit has been reached and someone at the table is about to be served with a royal flush in spades if the tenor of the discussion does not tone down to a more acceptable decibel level. And if the tone of the conversation does not  ramp down at that point? Well, “Katie bar the door! There’s going to be the devil to pay”.

Thank you for your kind attention.